I have a tween. I annoy her. See this picture I’ve posted here from a building that used to be a strip club before it was a church before it was a motorcycle shop? I love it! She does not! Therefore, I feel qualified to write a blog post for other people who want to annoy their tween children.
Here are five great ways to annoy a tween girl (girl, because I am pretty sure boys don’t pay enough attention to get annoyed).
1. Ask her, “How was school today?”
How many times have you asked this question and gotten the answer “fine”. That’s it. Or, if you have a talkative kid: “FINE. School today was FINE. Now leave me alone.”
Why she thinks it’s annoying: Your kid thinks this is annoying because she is watching “Say Yes To The Dress” and you are interrupting her.
Why it’s actually annoying: A broad, open-ended question like this implies you don’t really care what the answer is, and so you are rewarded with a non-answer. Turn the tables: “How was work today?” (Probably your spouse is asking, not your kid, because he doesn’t give a crap what’s happening on the dumb wedding dress show.) Anyway, what do you say? “Fine.”
2. Snuggle with them first thing in the morning: My kid wants to kick me in the teeth when I do this.
Why your kid thinks it’s annoying: Because she’s old enough to get out of bed on time without you babying her.
Why it’s actually annoying: Because she’s not old enough to get out of bed on time without you babying her.
3. Ask about boys. I taught her and her friends the joys of M.A.S.H. I should know who her pick for a husband is!!
Why she thinks this is annoying: Because what could a 35-year-old possibly know about “relationships”, especially since she uses phrases like “going together”.
Why it’s actually annoying: Because it may be the ONE secret it’s ok to keep from her parents, and there you go needing to know it, too.
4. Make her shop for clothes based on size instead of age. My kid and I got into the world’s most ridiculous public brawl because I insisted she shop in the juniors section for a dress for a funeral. She is tall! Everything in the kids section is too short. And only the slutty cousin no one knows is allowed to wear short skirts to funerals.
Why she thinks it’s annoying: Because she’s not a “junior”, she’s a “kid”.
Why it’s actually annoying: Because she is not quite used to her rapidly changing body and doesn’t want to think about it more than she must.
5. Tease her about her taste in music. My kid has very eclectic tastes I find delightful and charming. For example: she made a playlist with Billie Holiday, Little Richard, Lady Gaga and REO Speedwagon, which OBVIOUSLY I described on Facebook. So (other than embarrassing her on Facebook), this may be the one offense I’ve avoided. But I am way cooler than some other parents who totally are guilty of this.
Why she thinks this is annoying: Because she doesn’t make fun of what you like.
Why it’s actually annoying: Because what you like is terrible.
Ok! So here are some ways to be annoying to your tween. I’m going to ask my kid to review these and recommend some others. First thing in the morning – I’m thinking 5ish – when I smother her forehead in mom kisses.