Nashville singles: The following is a list of potential suitors.
It began as a text exchange between a fellow single mom and me. You should note that this particular friend and I have a texting parlance that affords us to know such things as Android phones inexplicably capitalize “Shit” and iPhones do a likewise thing with a word I can’t bring myself to type on the internet.
So take this list with a grain of salt.
People You Might Date In Nashville
1. Musicians / Music Industry People. Someone once told me, “You are not really a Nashvillian until you’ve banged someone in the music industry.” Ok, maybe. Music is what we’re known for, it’s what we dance to, and it’s what we do a few other things to as well. And I’ll almost buy it.
2. But I say you’re not really a Nashvillian until you’ve been kissed on the cheek by, held hands in church with, or otherwise NOT BANGED a Church Industry Person. And I’m not talking about normal church people who may or may not get their butts out of bed in time for church on Sunday. For real: I’m talking about Church Industry People. These are people who turn their religion into an entire lifestyle, a profession, a business.
3. Encino Men / Women. Encino people are people who married at a crazy young age because of cultural influences (i.e. Church Industry People who persuaded them to wait until marriage to have sex, but not to wait until adulthood to get married) and so, thus, divorced in similarly youthful fashion. This means that when they’re on the market again, they may be in their 20s or 30s, but they’ve had the dating experience of teenagers. In other words: They are like Pauly Shore in that movie. Frozen Caveman Single People kissing total strangers in bars in front of their dates. Frozen Caveman Single People pole dancing to Journey. Frozen Caveman Single People texting photos of their wrists (you read that right – their WRISTS) to people they met during airport layovers. You know how I know to avoid these people? Because I have TOTALLY been this person.
4. Married or Almost Married People. Some people believe it is better to stay married “for the sake of the children” than to end an unhappy marriage for the sake of … well, everyone else. This means you should be alert for roaming marrieds for whom having an affair is less a moral affront than getting a divorce.
5. Rednecks. These people may not have stemware in their homes, but they will spend $300 on a Coach purse for the girlfriend they met two months ago. Also: Chewing tobacco.
6. The Onboarders. Finally, if you are a single woman in Nashville you will almost certainly date one or more of the gentlemen I will refer to as The Onboarders. These are the perennially single men who have a sixth sense for knowing when a woman is new on the market, the charm to attract her to at least dinner (and probably a show at Mercy Lounge or a walk around Centennial Park… not that I am referring to any particular persons or events), but also the gentleness to avoid freaking her out. We – and I do mean “we” – speak of these men with the utmost affection and appreciation.
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I’ve been with my husband since I was 14, I’m 36 now. I would be a mess out there!
I was single for many years in a University town. I promised my 30 year self that I would never, ever again give my phone number to a 23 yr old college student!
I’m new here and really enjoyed reading this! I would totally be encino woman if I had to date again.
Um…I would be single forever I guess….are there any guidos there????
I married my high school sweetheart, who I met at 16. I wouldn’t have the least idea how to date. I’m glad I don’t have to.
I married my high school sweetheart, who I met at 16. I wouldn’t have the least clue how to date. I’m glad I don’t have to do it.
Too clever. “The church industry” people. I have a relative that resembles that remark. But he is very off the market, happily married with five kids. And this the “roaming marrieds” — I think that might be epidemic in all parts to the country.
I’d love to go to Nashville someday. Thanks for the tips on what to look out for!
I love Nashville…I ran the Nashville marathon in 2006. I was single at the time….kinda sad I didn’t do any hooking up with these types while I was down there.
Wait, why did you text your wrist??
Because I was reading an Amy Tan novel at the time and she said wrists are sexy to 14th century Japanese men. Neither I nor the guy are Japanese, but clearly I was acting like I was from the 14th century.
hmmm i don’t think i want to be a single woman in nashville. haha!
I think after my divorce I would have been an Encino woman – minus the pole dancing and kissing someone else in front of my date. I had a knack for attracting the almost married/married ones. And they never seemed to be embarrassed even though they knew I knew they were cheaters.
I think my worst experience was with a professional church person who was almost married. (I didn’t know about the almost married!)
Oooof, onboarders. It’s like the TLC song, no scrubs.
Haha, I’m glad I’m married and not living in Nashville as a single 😉
Oh. Boy. I’m an Iowan, but I’ve been with my hubby for the last 20 years (married for 17 of them) and I’d be clueless if I had to date. Completely clueless. Completely.
In other words, you’d be an Encino Woman.
Sent from my iPhone
Yep. Can I date Brendan Fraser?? Please?
I’m glad I’m married, or I’d be too afraid to visit Nashville and get hit on by some of these people!
Might have to get a divorce and move to Nashville. . . 🙂
This is pretty funny. I don’t live in Nashville, and have never been there, but I do watch the new ABC show Nashville, and I thought it was one huge stereotype, then I read this post…
Well, I don’t think we’re quite as dramatic as the folks on that show, though it does make our city look beautiful.
Allow me to add my own version of #1: “you are not truly a Nashvillian until you know better than to bang someone in the music industry.”
Ha!
Dear god. I have partaken of all 6 categories. I’m just SO Nashville…
You’re not fully Nashville until you have BEEN all these people.
I knew this post would be a hit.
Maybe I will use names next time. 🙂
I’d consider #1 but honestly I doubt I could keep up on the booze and drugs requirement.
#5 is interesting if you are a man from The North who thinks he knows what independent women are. Nothing is more eye opening than meeting a really independent and completely self unaware woman. Especially if they possess country values and are very well educated. It happens! I’ve also discovered a cultural divide between Rednecks and Hillbilly segments and you can find both here in Nashville.
You haven’t really experience the Nashville dating scene until you have given up in absolute abject disgust. 🙂
Ah, ye of little faith. Musical people are a passionate lot. Maybe not for everyone, but certainly for some. As for No. 5: I don’t quite know how to respond to that.
I tell ya, babyE — a redneck man who’ll buy his girl a Coach bag AND fill that bag with plugs of chewing tobacco may be right up your alley !!!
He is probably a county commissioner.
“These people may not have stemware in their homes, but they will spend $300 on a Coach purse for the girlfriend they met two months ago.” — hahahaha
I still have the Coach purse…
Hahaha… And you still have a Cupcake or two…
What about the young boys? Cupcakes? And because we are not yet in our 40’s, we are Pumas, not Cougars.
Really curious about what the iPhone word is. Can you give me a hint?
I am as protective of my iPhone’s secrets as I am my loveliest of Onboarders.