Nashville singles: The following is a list of potential suitors.
It began as a text exchange between a fellow single mom and me. You should note that this particular friend and I have a texting parlance that affords us to know such things as Android phones inexplicably capitalize “Shit” and iPhones do a likewise thing with a word I can’t bring myself to type on the internet.
So take this list with a grain of salt.
People You Might Date In Nashville
1. Musicians / Music Industry People. Someone once told me, “You are not really a Nashvillian until you’ve banged someone in the music industry.” Ok, maybe. Music is what we’re known for, it’s what we dance to, and it’s what we do a few other things to as well. And I’ll almost buy it.
2. But I say you’re not really a Nashvillian until you’ve been kissed on the cheek by, held hands in church with, or otherwise NOT BANGED a Church Industry Person. And I’m not talking about normal church people who may or may not get their butts out of bed in time for church on Sunday. For real: I’m talking about Church Industry People. These are people who turn their religion into an entire lifestyle, a profession, a business.
3. Encino Men / Women. Encino people are people who married at a crazy young age because of cultural influences (i.e. Church Industry People who persuaded them to wait until marriage to have sex, but not to wait until adulthood to get married) and so, thus, divorced in similarly youthful fashion. This means that when they’re on the market again, they may be in their 20s or 30s, but they’ve had the dating experience of teenagers. In other words: They are like Pauly Shore in that movie. Frozen Caveman Single People kissing total strangers in bars in front of their dates. Frozen Caveman Single People pole dancing to Journey. Frozen Caveman Single People texting photos of their wrists (you read that right – their WRISTS) to people they met during airport layovers. You know how I know to avoid these people? Because I have TOTALLY been this person.
4. Married or Almost Married People. Some people believe it is better to stay married “for the sake of the children” than to end an unhappy marriage for the sake of … well, everyone else. This means you should be alert for roaming marrieds for whom having an affair is less a moral affront than getting a divorce.
5. Rednecks. These people may not have stemware in their homes, but they will spend $300 on a Coach purse for the girlfriend they met two months ago. Also: Chewing tobacco.
6. The Onboarders. Finally, if you are a single woman in Nashville you will almost certainly date one or more of the gentlemen I will refer to as The Onboarders. These are the perennially single men who have a sixth sense for knowing when a woman is new on the market, the charm to attract her to at least dinner (and probably a show at Mercy Lounge or a walk around Centennial Park… not that I am referring to any particular persons or events), but also the gentleness to avoid freaking her out. We – and I do mean “we” – speak of these men with the utmost affection and appreciation.