First-World White Lady Williamson County Problems

It was 6:30 p.m. and I was sitting in the parking lot of my office on Broadway and I was NEVER going to turn left out of there like I needed to, because there were 23 miles of bumper-to-bumper limos and whatnot heading in the opposite direction toward the CMA Awards. Y’all watched those, right? Yay for you. As for me, I threw myself a lovely little meltdown that began right there in the office parking lot!

At 6:30 p.m., all I wanted was:

For the Magic Dinner Fairy to appear with something awesome for my kid.

Wine.

Bubble bath.

I could have used a few other things too.

Someone to scoop the cat boxes, which I’ve let sit for a couple of days because I’ve been working absurd hours, mostly owing to the fact that there’s this monster of a storm that jacked up the East Coast. And yes, I know we are not on the East Coast, but we are Nashville, damnit, and we know how this flood business works, and heck YES, we were gonna help our journalist friends in Sandy’s warpath! But I am tired – not as tired as them, mind you. I still have enough energy to whine.

A bowl of vegetables. For lunch yesterday, I ate a cupcake and a cookie. For dinner, I had a half bowl of chili (good) stuffed with Fritos (bad), and a Mounds bar and a Twizzler and a Kit Kat and apple cider spiked with bourbon and a homemade marshmallow. Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad. For lunch today I had a hamburger except the hamburger was not a hamburger, it was short rib. WHAT is the MATTER with me??

Alone time in a quiet room. I will preface this self-centered complaint by saying I LOVE my family – all of them, including the ones I am no longer related to – but my God, trick-or-treating is a big, crazy affair for us. Adults outnumber kids by more than 5:1. It requires an advanced degree to diagram the family tree, and inappropriate comments abound.

Sleep. I attended an early morning breakfast meeting where some really important people were the guest speakers, and I kiiiiiiinda lacked the self-awareness to realize I was gabbing on and on to a friend while blocking the mayor – THE MAYOR – from entering the room. And I was sort of a whack job with some people at work, and then I was basically the reason someone missed a plane, and then it was 6:30 and I was sitting in the parking lot about to throw all my daughter’s Taylor Swift CDs out the window because I was NEVER, EVER GOING TO TURN LEFT. EVER.

….

And then I finally did turn left. And I drove home like a reasonable person and I didn’t post one single thing to Facebook the entire time I was driving. And I stopped at Whole Foods on the way and bought my kid a quiche. And when I got home I heated it up for her and I called her dad when neither of us could figure out her sixth grade math homework. And when I couldn’t find my corkscrew, I hammered that sucker in with a screwdriver.

And now I sit writing this post (with wine!), much more circumspect.

If this week has been a blizzard, it’s because I’m living in a snow globe.

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13 thoughts on “First-World White Lady Williamson County Problems

  1. see, babyE, the hammer-screwdriver worked … never tried a Mounds bar in my chili before, but pretty much up for anything at least twice — will get back to you on that …

  2. A friend of mine here at work lives a very privileged life and one day she started complaining about about how her Panera salad didn’t have the Gorgonzola on it that she ordered, and then complained about having to go by Green Hills Mall on the way home to make a return at J. Crew, and then topped it all off by complaining about a Nashville Ballet fundraising committee she served on. I told her she had “terrible white girl problems”.

    • You know what’s funny? I didn’t even do that on purpose, but then this morning I woke up with that song in my head. I think I must have written that subliminally. Taylor Swift took over my spirit. OMG.

  3. All I can think of when I read this is you sitting in the parking lot screaming “OH MY GOD!!” coming halfway out of the seat, arms flailing. I saw a few of those around the newsroom in my day. Glad you got it solved. Hang int here!

  4. In emergencies, I know how to use my shoe (with a heel) to open a bottle of wine. These are important skills. Enjoyed your post.
    \

  5. I love a gal who is resourceful at employing alternative corkscrew methods. (Reminds me of my own handiwork on a camping trip years ago.) And I’m very glad I left the office early today.

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