Death by a Thousand Papercuts

1. The freezer began to make a terrible whirring noise that would have woken the dead.

2. I attempted to fix it. The “fix” involved three hours of me standing in front of the freezer with a hair dryer, attempting to melt the ice that had built up around the fan.

3. Finally, I melted all the ice. (And threw away all the food that had been sitting there defrosting for hours.)

4. The fan was still jacked up.

5. I dismantled the back of the freezer and poked at things – tore shit straight out of the wall – for another hour or two.

6. The freezer still didn’t work.

I went to a friend’s house and drank.

7. The next morning, I shoved a screwdriver into the fan to make it STOP MAKING THAT HORRIBLE NOISE.

8. Then I went and bought a new refrigerator / freezer.

9. They said they could not deliver until the next day.

10. I’ve been sitting here for 10 hours, waiting for the delivery.

11. In the meantime, I’ve tried to vacuum my house.

12. The vacuum is broken.

13. I’ve dismantled the vacuum, gone to the vacuum store, and YouTubed “vacuum repair”.

14. I now have MORE cat hair on the floor than before I attempted to vacuum.

15. I am drinking the last of the hot beers from my broken refrigerator, surrounded in cat hair.

16. Also, today, I called the cable company to cancel the land line and cable subscription that I don’t use. I am tired of paying $182 a month so my daughter can watch Dance Moms one night a week.

17. The cable company would not let me cancel without my ex-husband’s permission.

18. I yelled at the cable company. THIS IS LIKE DEATH BY A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS!

19. My ex-husband came over and called them to tell them it’s fine for me – the person who PAYS THE DAMN BILL EVERY MONTH – to make changes to the service.

20. They told him, “Sure, fine.”

21. He put me back on the phone with them. They told me it would be fine for me to put the cable bill in my name, and cancel the service if I wanted, if I was willing to come to the cable company office TOMORROW (not today, because they’re on vacation), and bring along a copy of my divorce decree, a photo ID, and be subjected to a credit check.

22. I yelled at the cable company some more.

23. I listed my house on Craig’s List. It’s a nice house, and in about a half hour (assuming the appliance company was not lying when I called them AGAIN), it’s a house with a brand new refrigerator / freezer.

24. But it’s too big for me. I am a single mom who shares custody with her ex and avoids being at home whenever I can. I do not need four bedrooms, a dining room, library, home office and big yard. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

25. As soon as I listed my house for rent, people began to ask if I’d lost my mind or if I was drunk.

26. I am neither drunk nor crazy. Though it is truly a wonder that I’m not.

27. However, I have eaten six cookies, two biscuits, and nothing else today.

28. Tomorrow is another day.

29. In five days I’m heading to the beach.

30. In 40 minutes I’m heading to my friend’s house, who is making me dinner.

31. Another friend has texted me – without solicitation, through what I know is sure intuition on his behalf – to ask if I’d like him to come over with provisions.

32. If life was easy, we’d take it for granted.

33. Cheers.

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9 thoughts on “Death by a Thousand Papercuts

  1. That’s funny. I have days like that too. For single moms, houses can be an drudge on some days and a blessing on others. People keep telling me as my kids head off to college, don’t sell your house, your kids have all their memories there and will want to come home. I say, won’t don’t they pay the mortgage, clean the gutters and cut the grass then?

  2. Everyone has days (weeks) like this on occasion. Enjoy your time with daughter and friends at the beach, eat something healthy, and go to sleep. Also, know that your dad and I are here (regardless of anything) if you need anything. Love you.

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